July ICLW

This ICLW did not have me on a great start. If you have followed my tweets you would know, that unlike the previous times, I did not have day-close tally tweets...a seamless tweet stream happened. As you would see from the random tweets down below, the first day only had me down with a limited number of blogs.

ICLW Wicket Tally - 1 - 5 [ -2,-3]
7:56 PM Jul 21st from web

ICLW Wicket Tally - 12 - 15 [ -2,-3]
8:22 PM Jul 22nd from web

ICLW Wicket Tally - 31 - 32 [ -2,-3]
8:38 PM Jul 23rd from web

ICLW Wicket Tally - 49 - 50 [ -2,-3]
8:28 PM Jul 24th from web

ICLW Wicket Tally - 64 - 71 [ -2,-3]
7:45 PM Jul 25th from web

ICLW Wicket Tally - 79 - 85 [ -2,-3]
3:48 PM Jul 26th from web

ICLW Wicket Tally - 105 - 111 [ -2,-3]
5:50 PM Jul 26th from web

ICLW Wicket Tally - 136 - 137 [ -2]
7:06 PM Jul 27th from web

The very first day that I went into ICLW, I was almost sure that I would not be able to make the last blog in time. And I am glad that I was able to finish it. I think the Sunday having fallen in the ICLW time, was a big boon for me. My twitter account has a complete list of ICLW blog tally.

In other news, Ms AF is still lost at the sea. No ship has so far reported its sighting. It better be making its way to the destination port, or my mind would start having bizzare theories about why it has been missing without a trace.

A warm Thank You to the person who submitted my news to LFCA.



^WiseGuy^

Imperfect Thoughts of an Impure Mind

I can't believe
This could be the end

The anatomy of grief is surprisingly foxy…the expression good grief, is a really funny one.

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Well, what can be told to somebody who has been standing in these trenches for so long? Nothing. I am expected to know. I was expected to know.

But the wide-eyed gawky teenager in me refuses to sit down. Underneath these eyes, are the eyes of this teenager, and I expect the eyes of all my other personalities to be lurking around at the same place.

If I had been making a fantasy movie…I would have shot myself standing barefoot at a cliff, overlooking a giant sea, with the moon over my head. The hands raised and facing the sky would have held a giant slithery sperm by its tail in one, and a ball-of-iron ovum in the other.

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening

Why is Aaafra Faafra playing with me? Because I am at the core of Kafka’s Metamorphosis. Only that, rather than becoming a giant, thousand-legged insect, I am turning into a mouse, I suppose. And mice are playmates, before they become appetizers.

I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons

DH has forgotten that his wife is a woman. And women get their periods. A few days back he had asked me about whether I was down yet or not. Of course, I was not.

And then a couple of days he was like, “When are we having sex?”, and of course, he was denied information about that too, given that nothing was possible till I was waiting. With that no, I managed to crank his unhappiness index a little higher.

Oh
I can't look at you
This morning
I should probably have a sign
That says
'Leave right now or quicker'

Monday, I did not tell him that I went for a blood draw. Tuesday, I did not reveal what the blood draw said. Fantastic. A sliced journey of hope-failure-despair was entirely lost in the household.

But it's different now
It's morning
And I can't face your smile

I really wanted this cycle to work. I began with a positive approach. I planned out the cycle. We even hit each other on the right dates. Everything went fine. Aafra Faafra should have come in its right time. This is not fair.

You're too close to me
And that's why
You have to leave

I can’t believe that all these years, I have been running round, and round and round the same circle, with the same effect….it begins at the same point where it ends and ends at the same point where it begins. Even a donkey would have understood by this time.

But I am not a donkey. I am a human. And even though my intellect is quite established, lessons of repeated failure are a subjective phenomenon, and I know that I am going to work with optimism towards the future cycles, even if I staggering at this point of time, and my sense of self efficacy in this regard is dented.


^WiseGuy^



P.S. Song Lyrics in this post: ‘Don’t Speak’ by No Doubt and ‘Don’t Believe in Love’ by Dido.

I am not a Legend

Today morning's POAS said it. I did not completely believe it.

My mind repeated it, but I drew it back and said that it was not sure. Not now.

I was a wounded horse already. But I thought I could drag myself, and if I dashed hard enough, maybe the finish line was closer than visible.

I thought of playing a cruel joke on my mother (and some intuition tells me that she would call today, and I will still pull the joke).

I called at 1630 Hrs. He said that the report would come after 1700 Hrs.

I kept the receiver, and decided to go home.

I came home. I was not hungry. I was anxious. I still made celebratory/depression-companion instant noodles and left them to cool down a bit.

Finally did pick up the reciever and made the call. He shuffled sheets. He said that the report had come. He pronounced my name wrong. I corrected him.

And then he spoke to somebody in the background. I heard the news from the guy at the back - a little voice that said <1. He heard that and I knew he was still holding the earpiece, and I said, "It is negative". The man said, "Umm...yes."

I am thankful to this fellow. He is the first to have unknowingly conveyed his discomfiture in giving a negative pregnancy test report. He was not matter-of-fact, he did not prolong the whole drama of the ritual, but he was unsure of how to best say it.

I had a silent cloud stuck to my throat, the one that had a hazy whisper - Thank You. I kept the receiver. I am not going to the Lab to pick up the report.

Nothing makes any difference, neither the fact that a new hand was used to draw the blood; nor the fact that I was worried that a 'new-at-it' guy was attempting to fill his syringe with my blood; nor that I saw a mosquito hovering too close to his nose, and his irritation at it, right before he sent the needle into my skin. No.

It does not matter.

I am set here to break my own records.



^WiseGuy^

Zen Has (Almost) Left the Building

Hoping.
Nodding.
Writhing.
Wishing.
Dreaming.
Ignoring.
Holding.
Trying.
Rooting.
Checking.
Wanting.
Gasping.
Swimming.
Baiting.
Negating.
Fidgeting.
Sucking.
Breathing.
Wanting.
Guarding.

Please Please Please.






^WiseGuy^


Image Courtesy:http://www.insidesocal.com/prepsports/09%20nail-biter.jpg

Waiting for the Unknown

Yesterday entailed a short journey to a place where some institutional activity was up, and I was expected for a 3 hour stint. As I made my way to the target, I suddenly became aware of the awful condition of the road….I was making my way into a corner of the city I did not do a regular beat on.

The rains and apathy had done the needful….I was aware of the roughness, the jolts, and such, and very worried. Of course, it was not my vehicle that was the cause of the scare, it was a possibility.

I have been given a sweet word in the comments to the last word – patience. I have never been able to associate that with myself.

This whole self-imposed waiting-for-Tuesday is a simple defense mechanism in place to save me from the dark clouds of the sheer depression of never having had any whoopee beta results…never have I seen one good report for myself, and when I went for a beta to fox Ms. AF (by not POASing first), it did not do me good either.

Nothing will stun me more than a beta that is contrary to the BFNs that the pee-sticks indicate. It is ironic that the brand of pee-sticks I use call themselves Makesure….Is it Makesure Positive or Makesure Negative? I do not know.

Anyways, coming back to the short bumpy road-trip….I was very worried…I have lately been very conscious of my movements – laughing hard, bending, climbing up and down the stairs, dragging any load, lifting objects and so on.

The other thing is that I tend to sleep on my stomach. And I feel guilty, as if by doing so, I may be hurting my own chances. I can’t sleep on my back, I do take turns…but the best sleep happens when I sleep stomach-down. What am I protecting?


^WiseGuy^

When Would I

...go for a blood draw?

Actually, I am staking it out till the next Tuesday. I have been late before. The longest I have held out is 5 days, 8 days and 15 days. The 15 days waiting happened once, in January 2005. At that point of time, I still had not associated sub-fertility with me and I was newly TTC.

I have already crossed the 5 day and the 8 day barrier and hopefully by next Tuesday either Aafra Faafra would be here, or I would have POASed again, and also scheduled a blood draw to happen.

As of now, I still do not have any symptoms that signal AF's arrival. I did feel a this-is-it moment on Monday, but it was just a temporary scare.

Thank You Sharonvw and theclam. Your comments have given me hope to cling on to. And thanks to everyone who have sent good wishes my way.

^WiseGuy^

My A – B – Cs!

A – Adenium; my favourites! Have two; named Giccha Piccha (entered my life 2008), and Morris (entered my life 2009).

B – Bombay; experiences there were one of the best of my life; it has a different spelling now, but for me it would be that!

C – Chiffons and Chocolates…I love the feel of chiffon and my love of chocolates is endless.

D – Digital Camera; is what I do not have as of now.

E – Efforts; are what we can invest.

F – Funny; I have been called that.

G – Gossip; do like to keep a tab on it.

H – Home; is where one can be most cosy.

I – If; is a word that makes a lot of sense.

J – Jinx; I seem to have recently developed a mental block on hectic shopping during my 2ww, and there is one outlet I particularly never go to when I am AF-baiting. Stupid, eh?

K – Kiss; I hate kissing.

L – Lemons; when I was a small girl I used to peel off the skin (the whole rind) from lemons and eat them whole. Luckily, I grew up.

M – Mother; love her or hate her, you can’t escape her.

N – Nature; has space for good and bad, the beautiful and not-so.

O – Ornaments; don’t care much for them. I do have jewellery, but I use very little of my stock on a daily basis.

P – Polar Bear; one of the best representations of me (not the only).

Q – Quite; am sick of ‘quite’ – quite close, quite okay, quite nice is not the same as close, okay and nice.

R – Rouge; for a long time make-up for me meant only lipstick; but I also tend to use a little blusher when I want to dress up well.

S – Stubborn; my colleagues have labelled me with that. Thank You. Much love.

T – Trust; once breached, it is very difficult to rebuild.

U – Useless; that’s a phase I do enter from time to time…nothing feels alright. I want to do nothing.

V – Vision and Victory; a baby name (no, not Victory) I am seriously mulling over begins with this alphabet. Seriously, where is my baby?

W – Wiseguy; that’s me; it has figured on my e-mail since 1998-99.

X – X-rated; just rating it that way does not mean that a person has been saved from watching filth.

Y – You; better not talk on the mobile phone while you drive.

Z – Zest for Life; hope that never ever goes away.

^WiseGuy^

P.S. 8 days beyond now!

Tuesday POAS = FAIL!!!

If a HPT can't capture any traces of HCG at 21 dpo, I guess I am really looking for the sky to part and heaven to fall through. No way! Guess the verdict is set in stone now. I am NOT pregnant.

I had a little hope jutting out of a dry root, having not had a run-in with Aafra Faafra yet. I guess I have to start humming 'Have a Happy Period' soon. Something's got to give!

I bought two HPTS last evening and decided to test on Tuesday morning.

Falling asleep was not tough, but sometime in the wee hours, I was awake, totally thinking of the HPT, wanting to urgently pee. I twisted and turned.

Once I woke up, I walked up to the refrigerator, got scissors and opened the packet, turned on the light in the bathroom and settled down to relieve myself. I dropped two drops in the well, and saw the panel with as much focus as my roused-from-sleep eyes could muster.

T line remained as white as it was manufactured. C was rattled and turned bright red in anger. My heart sunk. I peered at the HPT for some time. Read within five minutes, that's what the instructions said. Fuck.

The pee-stick was relegated to the trash can.

Can you believe that after I had woken up finally for the day, I went back to check if something else had cropped up there?

Now I am seven days late.

^WiseGuy^

Dum-Dum-Dee-Da-Dum-Da-Da

Am still reeling under the super predictions.

Frankly, a willing heart is bound to be very receptive of any information it is dying to have. And that makes it so scary. Even though I did not blind-swallow it, it is obvious why somebody would turn up the craving and ritualistic investment at the mere hint.

But I know that it has a time, and I can’t hurry up and wait anymore.

The pillow rests under my head, and I did not light the diya (lamp) on Wednesday (as the pundit had recommended), and the latter transgression is making me feel guilty. In fact, I did not forget to light the diya, I took a very conscious decision to not light the diya. Which now makes me wonder why I did not do so, just because I wanted to rebel or because I did not believe it would have any effect.

Whatever it is, I think it is time for God to really stop teasing me.

Anyways, Aafra Faafra has still not come. I would decide about a pee-do again, not before Tuesday (in case AF has still not arrived). I believe that merely thinking about POAS can have the power of bringing it on.

So, anyways!


^WiseGuy^

At Her Feet, Through Her Agent

***anomalous, unscientific post***

Mother was here with me for about a week. During this time, she went to meet some holy man through a relative. My irritation knew no bounds because I did not need a prophet to know for what reason she had gone to him. Anyways, she came back and told me that she would ‘reveal’ only after nine days.

Needless to add, I had forgotten all about the impending revelation.

Yesterday evening, mother dear phoned up…and it is then that she told me that nine days were now up. (Up for what? I wondered.)..and she said that I need to be aware of what the holy man had to say.

Please hold your hearts tight.

a. I am going to have a boy.

I have zero issues in having a girl too…but when would I have the baby?

b. The baby is on its way and would come to me soon.

So it’s like the baby has been couriered already, I guess?

c. The baby’s name should be kept xxxxxx.

Excuse moi? The right of naming my kid has hereby been withdrawn from me?

d. Do not wipe your mouth with your clothes.

LOL! I do not do that anyways…

e. The Holy Man showed a photograph of the baby to my mother!!!

Unbelievable! But my weak heart condescended and asked my mother as to how the baby looked. Mother told me – ‘Beautiful’.

[Kaudi]

f. A pillow was kept under my usual one, and I had been asked to never remove it from below me. Well, it contains two ‘kaudi’ (a small conch). When the baby is 11 months old, I have to tie those in a silver chain and the baby would wear them around the waist.

g. At 30 months, the little boy would have a pooja at xxxxx temple.

h. I can’t slap my boy’s face till the age of 15 years.

Hmmm...that quite takes away the pleasure of disciplining.


The fact is that there have been people, at different points of time (even pre-marriage, when I thought having kids was so darn easy), who have told me / my mother that my child would be like my maternal grandfather…and I would be blessed if all of them are true.

My problem is that this kind of prediction makes me feel very vulnerable. It is as if my hidden weakness is brought out in broad daylight. I am suddenly scurrying for ways to protect my emotional reserves. I can’t let them flood through again.

Also, the problem is that if some ritual part was accidentally or willingly left unfulfilled, the mind will remain constantly aware of the ‘miss’.

I have always known that I was meant to be a mother. But what emotional price, ritualistic investment, and expectations will bring about the passage to motherhood, is still an unchartered territory for me?

I can’t blame my mother. I can’t even hold her guilty for wanting to see me happy. But if the intentions are good, even bad actions are forgiven. My mind is doped up anyways.

^WiseGuy^

Image Courtesy: http://www.sushantsinghal.com/images/Kaudi.jpg

The Dying Art of Clockwork

I wait.

Aafra Faafra should have been here yesterday, but she is not even beating the front door yet!

When it arrives, I would make faces, but would also know that it would be over eventually.

Waiting for it, knowing she would arrive is an irritant. It stays on the top of the mind...classes, presentations, meetings, conversations, advice, suggestions, sleeping, eating, driving, bending, getting up...the loyal thought is everywhere.

And dear God...please never ever make me barf in my 2ww. It is plain unfair.

^WiseGuy^

4 Years, 9 Months, 4 Weeks, 2 Days

Yesterday evening, there came a time when my entire being was focussed (nay concentrated) on some uterine core that was leading to the vayjayjay….so much so, that I was checking at whenever-possible intervals if there was bleeding already or not?

I was flipped over the prospect of Sunday morning POAS.

That brief while of obsession was overtaken by a bigger scare at hand – a viva on Monday, and since I had been unable to arrange a meeting with my research guide on Thursday and Friday, it had become uber-urgent to meet him on Saturday…so his pursuit made me stop thinking of the impending POAS.

Somewhere within that time, I was thinking of what-if it did come out positive, what would happen after that...and how would I break the news. Also, I had already thought about whether I would run a common disclaimer about all posts on pregnancy or would individually add the note to all my posts.

I was wondering how much I would love Geometry if I got to see two parallel lines, given the fact that I never did profess so much passion for it when I had to bear it through school.

All that thought did not go waste!

I now know what I would do if it was to happen…even if, it is of no use right now. You see, today morning, I peed and kept my eyes peeled putting every drop into the ‘well’, and eventually all I found was a single, chirpy red line brightly colour up.

That was the end. That was it. That was the final truth.

I am not depressed. I am not even emotionally torn. I did not mount the yo-yo this time… Somewhere I was very prepared to deal with it.

I don’t have Jaundice and I am not pregnant. Yay!


^WiseGuy^

Results in...

The results are in...and what is evident is that it is not Jaundice...which is quite a relief....one report is yet to come, and if some kind of infection has been causing those wonky symptoms...well, that would become clear from the pending report.

A detailed number scroll of my blood test results is on my other blog.

Wait and Watch!

^WiseGuy^

...Quickie!

LOLOL! If that is what you thought of, you really have to recycle bin your brain.

Jaundice Update: I AM going for a Serum Bilirubin, and SGOT and SGPT testing today evening...will comment on the results when they are back.

Meanwhile it makes me smile to think that Jaundice and Pregnancy can have common symptoms - barfing, irritability, specific-food love....


^WiseGuy^

Show and Tell: Dessert & Dreams

It started with my mother looking at me last night and commenting: ‘Why do you look so yellow?’…that verbal stir quite permanently disturbed my composure….

I was all set to give my holy fluid to a path lab today for confirming what the discussion was indicating – Jaundice….

Anyways, last night it was settled that she would observe me today morning, in the sunlight and make further judgement about whether I really looked like it.

But the word Jaundice clung onto my psyche. Can you believe that one of the questions I asked her was whether I could have Jaundice and also be preggers at the same time?

Then came sleep time…my favourite time. Well, hubby dear had already been on the bed for about 30 minutes when I trudged into the room…I took a bath and crashed onto my bed….with Jaundice Jaundice Jaundice running like a one word record in my brain.

I went off to sleep. And I dreamt, I was pregnant and jaundiced. And I had a big belly and Jaundice…and my baby was fine, but I had Jaundice…then I also dreamt of waking and POASing and finding two red lines coming around (and no dirty J to spoil the party).

I virtually woke myself up very early in the morning today. As if some mental alarm was prepping me to go POAS now! I refused to do so and went back to sleep.

Anyways, today morning I paraded my beautiful face (*hee hee hee*) for my mother to observe…and she said…'Nopes, not yellow at all, maybe it was the light last night.'

One night’s sleep was compromised on the thought of being pregnant with Jaundice, when I may or may not be pregnant, but am definitely not jaundiced. Phew!

Which brings me to my picture…this is a remarkable Show and Tell for me because, this is the first time, something edible is featuring on it. Presented in front of you, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the Sunday afternoon dessert, turned out (especially) for DH, my mother and me.

And Beautiful Mess has a big hand in making me take a picture of it….Our Sunday tweets are a testimony of it.

What went into each of those glasses?

There were layers of:

Fruit Cake
Milk flavoured Cake
Vanilla Ice-Cream
Strawberry Ice-Cream
Plain Custard
Mango pieces

I was able to identify even more things that could have been added into the mix – nuts, other flavours of ice-cream, more fruit, chocolate sauce, different types of jellies, canned fruits…there is endless amount of stuff that can possibly go in…and endless combinations. Maybe next time!

A little less nerve-wrecking writing is here!

^WiseGuy^

Cycle Trails

Infertility is a journey where one cannot claim the universality of ‘As you sow, so shall you reap’.

This is the first cycle since January when I am proactively in the race. Prior to this, I was only worked about the impending arrival of AF, and how many days late or early it is/ was/ could be.

We had sex. We did not have sex. And I cared two hoots about when that happened in the previous cycles.

And even though I did not harp on CD this and CD that for the current cycle, everything was virtually chalked out.

[That's my beautiful chart...Click for a larger view of my intimate life.]

So, as of now I am in the 2ww (what a joke!). We have timed our lovemaking to specifically coincide with my fertile period.

Let’s see how the natural IUI works out *smiling*. I plan to do this again for at least one more cycle and then just go for an ovulation study (yippee dildo cams).

Since I have had one of the ovaries exhibit a single cyst before, and I have not had an ultrasound in months (do I see jaws dropping?), I do not know what is going on down there…

I am just keeping my blind faith in the knowledge that I never did have ovulation troubles. And that 2008 investigations had revealed nothing wrong with my ovarian reserves.


I am slowly getting back on track…


^WiseGuy^

God's Plan: Outsourcing Prayer Processing

Hey Champ,

How are you? Hope you are all cozy - what with Pomengranate tress of rubies and Mango trees of emeralds for lush greenery, and a sea of nectar for beverage. Life is cushy?

Err...yeah, I am a little tipsy today, all drunk up on your sweet grace.

I did dial your number and I was informed that you would be responding very soon. Actually, you lost it champ. By the time your customer care contacted the troubled party for grievance handling, the machine was broken beyond repair.

I have no idea what I am writing. I want to write soul wringers, but this is the best I can manage, and you do not deserve any thing more at this point right now.

Maybe you could use it for a fiscal year summation of goodwill.

And anyways, if you are still suffering from a hangover from all that nectar and have no clue whatsoever, here's where the angst emanates from.

Thanking You,

Yours Sincerely,


^WiseGuy^

Opening Doors

So, this is a continuation of this post. Questions that I posed there became a part of another stellar TT post by BabySmiling. And I totally am in awe of how well she articulates her opinion.

Before I begin saying what came out for me through your comments, I would like to replicate a part of my comment that I left on BabySmiling's post....so that there is no confusion about what I expected from the reciprocity.

Quoting from BabySmiling's:

"Wiseguy talked about the frustration that can come from commenting regularly on someone’s blog yet never hearing back from them via comment or email. After a while, she gives up and stops reading, as do ...."

Quoting from my response on her blog:

"Bless my sweet heart. Nopes, I haven’t stopped reading at all (my last stop on hers was yesterday), but yes, now I no longer leave comments (that’s my devil side)."

And if you have no idea about what the post is about, then you should really perhaps go back here and read it in full.

Am so grateful for the wonderful responses that I have received on the post - every single one of them.

With minute and not so minute differences, six different flavours of comment reciprocity have emerged! Six different!

A. There are people who have opined that not receiving any comments would not stop them from participating in ICLW/ commenting on other blogs.

B. Another approach is of bloggers who espouse either leaving thoughtful comments or not really leaving any comments at all. In fact, one point that was made stated -

"ultimately returning comments is a lower priority for me than writing my own posts and reading/commenting on the 100 blogs on my list."

C. I also had another branching out, when a blogger thought that perhaps, an occasional comment from somebody who was frequented by the other, would be nice. I would also like to infer that even a small one-liner would also indicate that atleast a response was generated (?).

D. A very interesting thing stated was to use the extra minutes saved from the non-commenters could be utilized on those who did have a dialogue.

E. Feelings experienced included 'hurt' and 'discouragement' by the lack of commenting from a blogger that others had assiduously followed. In such a case, possibly a path to C would have saved the hurt?

F. Another perspective came in the form of being safe, when commenting on any blog for the first time...a generic hugs comment would always be appropriate. Associated with the same approach was the one comment which stated that in case it is difficult to connect with the other blogger, a non-comment was preferable to a comment which came across as insincere.

A classic response was:

"I do my best to remember that I am posting my blog entries AS WELL AS my comments because *I* want to. Not because I am seeking a return "favor." I need to adjust my expectations, be grateful for the comments I do get, and walk through blogland being true to myself."

Loved it, people! My approach out of the above six would perhaps be closest to D.

Can you recognize your own commenting pattern from the above six?

I won’t judge any of the approaches, and I think that they all have their own merits attached to them.

On a very different note, I have been a bit disturbed and distraught with a sad development I became aware of in the afternoon today. I won’t reveal the who-what-where unless she herself reveals it. Hope.




^WiseGuy^

Show and Tell: God Is in His Walls

This week I am sharing some photos of the exterior of a temple I visited on a really hot Sunday afternoon. Afternoon meant that the doors to the inner chambers were locked for God to finish his daily siesta. So I had to satisfy myself with the mundane things outside.

Am beginning with a selection of paintings done on the walls...very graphic!





Now what you see here is what was used in the old days as a giant lamp stand....each of those spouts would carry an oil-lamp in the night. I am not sure if it was lit like that on all nights, but atleast for festivals, the pillar would get decked up. There are two such pillars to the main entrance of the temple.






A side profile of the temple....Spectacular!



Mr. Sun caught me taking a pic of the front side. I love this typical architecture, somthing not seen now in the 'modern' buildings here.




The rest of the Show and Tellers congregate here!


^WiseGuy^